I'm an Alligator

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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
theobi-wanderingbagel
edens-blog

so it’s like the first really hot day of the season today and I was walking down the street to the bus station. I’m wearing a crop top and honestly look fine as ever.

I pass these two guys and they whistle and one made cat noises and one asked “hey missy, where are you going dressed like that?”

and I was trying to walk past but it looked like they were about to follow me so I tried to say “back off” or “go to hell” but I was flustered because I’ve never been catcalled before and I said loudly “BACK TO HELL”

and they were just like “shit alright” and let me be.

theobi-wanderingbagel

Today I fucked up…by trusting a “hot local single in my area” on a dating app

today-ifuckedup

Greatest/worst thing ever just happened to me, so buckle up folks..it’s story time:

Girl on a dating app tells me in the first few messages that I’m really cute (true) and interesting (also true) and asks me to meet her at 1140am for coffee at a random McDonald’s. When I ask if she’s a 45 year old man trying to harvest my organs, she proceeds to send me 15 pictures in a row that look like they’re straight from Facebook. Because that’s how you convince somebody you’re real (not true).

Now normally I don’t accept propositions like this because I’m thinking “what’s the catch?” Well, I decide to live a little on the YOLO side…and since it’s right next to a Subway Sandwich shop I think that the worst that could happen is it’s a 45 year old lonely man, I give him a big hug because I know the feeling as a 25 year old lonely man, get a tasty sandwich, then go home. Apparently that was NOT the worst thing that could happen.

I show up. She shows up. She’s real. I’m surprised. I buy her coffee because I subscribe to traditional gender roles unless requested otherwise. She uses her McCafe frequent buyers card so she gets stamps. Its cute. While the guy is making her drink, she tells me to go find a table outside in the sun. I go outside and find the perfect goddamn table because I’m a romantic at heart. 5 minutes later. 10 minutes later. 15 minutes later. No girl. I text her the typical guy message “lol u get lost???”. No response. Turns out she took the coffee and left.

So I’m not saying it’s bad to leave a date if you feel uncomfortable or aren’t attracted to them. It’s totally your decision. But I don’t think that’s the case…I think this girl is a serial McCafe dater. And I don’t think this was her first time. It was too professional. Too clean. It was the perfect McHeist. And I’m starting to think I’m not even mad…she didn’t steal my credit card, or my organs. Just a few euros.

And my heart.

tinyrobins

you mcfreakin lost her

theobi-wanderingbagel
urieking

my biggest secret is one time at a party i scared the shit out of everyone by chugging a whole bottle of vodka and everyone was scared as shit and just screaming at me to stop because i hadn’t  really drank that much before and when i was done since we all were so drunk they put me on their shoulders like a king and started chanting my name now everyone still to this day thinks im fucking hard ass bitch and everyone was shocked that i could take so much but its all a lie because i replaced it with water and that is my biggest secret.

urieking

you should also know that i was sort of new to the area and like that was my first outing with anyone at the school and that like gave me a title and place and from then on everyone thought i was a hard ass bitch and everyone loved me and i was popular and my whole high school career was a lie because i drank some water. 

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